The Meeting

(Alternately titled: .What would have gone down had The Council of Elrond been held in Thardferr, instead of Middle Earth.)

Gnori Blunkovund was disgruntled. To be more precise, he was disgruntled by dwarven standards, which meant that his attitude in a human would be called .angry.. The reason for this rather ggravated state of being could be easily explained by getting inside his head, peeking cautiously out through his eyes, and seeing what he saw, which was the following: A round, semi-gloss conference table, sitting in a large stone room with paintings of trees and butterflies on the wall. In modern decorating terms, it would have been called .cheery.. In Gnori.s rather inexpert opinion, it was called .too bloody elvish.. Gnori.s disgruntlement, however, was caused not only by this affable atmosphere, but also by the beings already sitting at the table - a human, an elf, a gnome, and an orc. Since he was quite late, they were all glaring at him in silence, as he stood in the doorway, glowering into the room, fingering his battleaxe.

It has been said that Dwarves can cause awkward social moments just by existing.

Finally the elf stood, bowing as politely as could be expected, and gestured Gnori to a seat. He complied, with a scowl of greeting to the elf, and sat down beside the gnome. Gnori nodded civilly to the gnome - they weren.t entirely bad sorts, except for the fact that instead of carefully crafting their tools and equipment, they clobbered them together as fast as was possible, and called it .meeting production quotas. or some such nonsense. As he sat back in his seat - the softness of the cushions made him feel violated - he reflected crossly on the events that had brought him to this point....

Well, someone has to go!. Muttered Councillor Skorri. .We.ve got to show that we.re as interested in the future of Thardferr as any elf. I.m no great shakes at diplomacy, otherwise I.d volunteer..

The rest of the High Council of Kardfee murmured in agreement. Then King Itwald spoke up. .Since most of us are older - set in our ways, like - our representative on this board of theirs should be a younger dwarf. One with enough experience to be on the High Council, but young enough to get along better with those blasted elves.. He pointedly avoided looking at Gnori, the youngest member of the High Council. One of the greybeards with less tact than the King stood up.

Alright then, all in favour of sending Blunkovund...?
It was unanimous.
Gnori groaned.

Gnori recalled himself back to the present as the human stood up and began speaking.

You have all been called here to participate in the United Thardferrian Coalition, a.... yes?. For the elf had just raised a tentative hand. With this invitation, he too stood.

Well, as representative of the Elven Kingdoms, I think that we need a name that more adequately describes our function. I would suggest .The Socio-economic Trade and Demilitarization Central Advisory Council..

Gnori grimaced as the orc stood, sending a wave of odour exhuming from his position.

Elf smart. Elf use big long words. Urgar like elf. We do like elf says..

This meeting was going poorly already.

Several hours of debate regarding the relative pros and cons of this new title passed, as Gnori.s face went from disgruntled to angry to mad to downright furious. Finally, the elf made a final point, the gnome gave up trying to claim copyrights, and the human stood again.

All in favour of changing the name of this Council to the... whatever the elf said, please say aye..

There was a chorus of .ayes. except from Gnori, who grunted. The human turned to him. I.m sorry, Mr. Blunkovund, what was that?
It was a grunt.
And what does a grunt mean.. Aye, or nay?
It means the elf is a bloody moron.. The elf shot to his feet.
I take offense to that statement. I move that the dwarf be removed from the floor.

The fact of the matter was, Gnori didn.t have to be removed from the floor. He was already off it. Having leaped from his chair onto the table, Gnori charged at the elf, his axe held high. The elf gasped and drew a sword, leaping back in an attempt to give himself more room.

Elves and humans share the mistaken idea that battleaxes are too unwieldy to make a good combat weapon. They suggest that the weapon is too slow, and a good sword can get under your guard before you have time to swing.

They are right.... except for the fact that the arms holding this particular axe weren.t human or elven, and therefore moved the large half-moon blade at a more than adequate speed.

The haft of the axe batted away the sword, and then the elf, too, left the floor - that is, until gravity recovered from its shock and pulled the limp body back down. And the meeting dissolved into chaos.

A short while later, the dwarf shouldered his axe and stepped carefully towards the door, trying to avoid slipping in a pool of blood. Glancing back to see if he had missed anything, he suddenly whirled, raised his axe, and slammed it down right through the middle of the semi-gloss conference table. Giving a self-satisfied nod, he walked out of the room. Without the butterflies and trees, that stonework had been not half bad.

As Gnori.s pony made its slow way down the wooded trail back towards the mountains, Gnori reflected that diplomacy wasn.t that bad after all. In fact, he considered taking it up as a career. In the area of conflict resolution, dwarves are universally acknowledged as professionals.

The End.